jennyalexander

your happy ending became my demise. your future is for the taking, mine i am still making. i will miss you unless i forgett you.

i have entered a new state of being in your sympathy.
once entered, i know time is limited, and my graceperiod will last only till you want yours back.
here we are at my place, i have people in my place, my space, they are space invadors
invited, yet i feel robbed once they leave. i am not used to this kind of company, that i have longed so for for years.
i cannot appreciate this new self. this self is selfish, suspisious, and out of my mind.
frightened and uncertain in the safest space one could wish for, and more.
the wolves are chasing me, smell my chanel in the stairway and howl for blood,
i am left cleaning it off the floor.

like the uncomfortable unneccicarity you depict, i will remove you from my lower abdomen, and keep you pressed away in my head.
just as i do my fear for the air around me, wich is why i have difficulty breathing it - the thought of survival is compromized. frett for your sanity, but never doubt that the silent letters in the worlds of the words i let fall to your surroundings meanings would astound you.

I have developed a capacity in my mind to hold two realitys, or rather two happenings there at once. While you hold me, I am on a warship taking orders. While I am on the train I am also with my fake therapist. And so on.
I'm thinking it's a result of my endless trips on trains that take me back and forth - not really anywhere, in other words. Back and forth between being somewhere and nowhere, between with you and without you, being myself and alone. And it is this time alone that forces me to create something, something to not be alone with. Another person, I am living a life and creating memories as real as the ones in the physical world.
It is from this world I am speaking to you when you dont understand me, as you hold me, as I am halfway inbetween, eyes half open, or half shut, going back and forth between my realities: Becase who is to say one is not real, when it exists in me as strong as life can be? Who are you to say?
I am thinking it is a sign of how safe I am with you that I can be this other self with you,
maybe I am trying out realities in this dream. -Or not a dream, since I am at the wheel, steering; but not expecting always, as my thoughts are completley free to wander in this land, without my orders.
Or is it that my mind is so bored with the reality I am leading that it creates distractions and challenges for itself?
It is a new level of daydreaming I never could imagine - being here but allowing my mind to see clearly and hold straight without any black holes appearing to escape the unknown parts, such as those we create when we try to hold the thought of space being endless in our minds.

You would think putting things in boxes with labels would relax me,
however moving does not put me at rest, though it pleases me.
this time i am in nomans land when it comes to a steady port,
but being nowhere is better than staying in the same place.
Because nowhere is still somewhere new.
I am not empty, only when i put my identity equal to my room, but i am slowly peeling my soul off the walls, and insisting on being cold but hopefull.
I cannot help but think of all the people who have spent time in this room, and wonder how much of them are coming with me - these people including myself live in memories stirred by this room and house, this constant place of being, returning. But then my life has taught me more times than most lives to move, to not attatch to things you cannot carry,
Places i will not marry.

force you to coexist in my mind.
in my mind you have to coexist.
though you may not want to mix
you sometimes blend into eachother and create a past lover i have to keep and live in symbiosis with. you are a creature in my thoughts
your own life or not, a past one becomes present in that space.
and through my mouth i portray you
through my words i create new life in new thoughts of you
in new minds with own lovers, they blend with newcomers.
and create a new man we all know
as the one we cannot recall, call on, or forget

I am longing to move, to move you, to move me to you, to be away.
Last night I awoke dizzy lost and afraid, alone, in a bed, still I was safe because
I have a belief that firmly states it is safe in appartments in the big city.
At home in my own light and sound I never relax.
I dream of hostages and shooting the innocent because I can trust noone -
wich is why I am hoping for a change.
And nothing scares me more
Except myself without controll, and a face without a name.

drar upp former och mallar men jag verkar aldrig passa
färgen är fel och opassande delar sticker ut i protest
det är som att jag stirrar det i ansiktet och klämmer i fötter i skor jag inte kan acceptera erkänna eller igentligen passar i

ritar hjärtan i försök till att skapa något, någon känsla, vad som hällst, men jag suddar dem snabt innan det uppstår oreda och uppstånd.
jag är ju fan inte tre längre. och även om förutsättningarna finns får det inte platts mera här.

ps. funderar på att skapa en blogg med bara badrumsbilder. toabilder. borstatändernabilder. inga fler fjortisbilder.


http://open.spotify.com/track/482ifEvFY9G9anH0IWmgzK

In my reality, so you are aware,
we have two relationships.
We might be lovers,
have had an unborn child,
have larege disputes, or argue about nothings...

You sitt with me on busses, trains,
I come knocking at your door too late.

All to raise a mock defence toward the harsh tiering reality.

Still they're nothing compared to the relationships I have with myself.