jennyalexander

i will never do my best under pressure,
and in my passion i often go to far
this time the result was water over inkstained paper sheets.
why do insist on working on the floor despite its flaws and failures?

i am watching a strangers fingers as i fall asleep
they mesmerize me, partly because of what they are performing, it is seducing me from far away
and partly because of the anonymity, i am wondering what face those hands belong to.
and it never ends.
each dip of a finger, on top of a key,
altering speed, coming slowly towards me and then moving back as if to taunt me, the wrist flicking as if content with the disharmony they are aiding to create,
the movements reflected on the black wall supporting the keys, blurred, as if from time music was first composed.
and it never ends.
keeps teasing my longing for more before the ending is come,
and then all movement is gone, but sensations linger.

dizzy in your arms at seven, asleap again in your bed at ten, eating pancakes in your kitchen at eleven, embarrased by my behavior in your elevator at twelve, and on the train again at thirteen hours.
http://open.spotify.com/track/1MD4tX2g5hx0D2WQ6JsC2m
http://open.spotify.com/track/1MD4tX2g5hx0D2WQ6JsC2m

think i beneath my better judgement decide what i will do with myself before i start each night (not day), for better or worse that is how i satisfy my needs, and yesterday was no exception. i need you more than anyone would like to admit.


http://open.spotify.com/track/0jmhEzi8PEpIqvYW6f2V2s

so you tell me its too late, that i should have fought for it before
i wont be told what i cannot do. i have to have - i will do what i have to do to have.
the question at hand for having is if i should start fighting for something new before thats out the window too,
or if i shall let myself fight for something... yes: possible, because i can do what i have to do
i have done it before
and i will show you tommorow what i have, and you wont believe how i did what i did but i'll have proved i got game.
and then start fighting for more.


THIS IS HOW I WORK

http://open.spotify.com/track/3nWxC8MssigFcK3zAgayVi

appreciating the way things sound when my actions leave your mouth in the form of syllables vowels letters hanging together in your breath stained with white wine and marlboro lights. feeling how this night could have been something to talk about under different circumstances. dreading what it means that fo'facto i could not stand without your arm. that climbing stairs make me weaker than your most convincing way to lay down a speech. and it has nothing to do with what i do and do not consume, so dont blame it on that sweet innocent liquid. im giving my blood as a sacrifice for the final answer next week.

i've started questioning my prioritization. whether we should notice motion or devotion.
whether its more acceptable to be blinded like everyone else, or be blinded your own mistrusted way.
the things i want to remember as my life wont be the ones that stick either way.
and each year my face looks harder. last week a man confessed his fright of my appearance, becasue i moved with authority.
i'll take it because i think it might be ture. though those that know me well just laugh at the sound of my name and justice uttered with the same breath.