jennyalexander

I have developed a capacity in my mind to hold two realitys, or rather two happenings there at once. While you hold me, I am on a warship taking orders. While I am on the train I am also with my fake therapist. And so on.
I'm thinking it's a result of my endless trips on trains that take me back and forth - not really anywhere, in other words. Back and forth between being somewhere and nowhere, between with you and without you, being myself and alone. And it is this time alone that forces me to create something, something to not be alone with. Another person, I am living a life and creating memories as real as the ones in the physical world.
It is from this world I am speaking to you when you dont understand me, as you hold me, as I am halfway inbetween, eyes half open, or half shut, going back and forth between my realities: Becase who is to say one is not real, when it exists in me as strong as life can be? Who are you to say?
I am thinking it is a sign of how safe I am with you that I can be this other self with you,
maybe I am trying out realities in this dream. -Or not a dream, since I am at the wheel, steering; but not expecting always, as my thoughts are completley free to wander in this land, without my orders.
Or is it that my mind is so bored with the reality I am leading that it creates distractions and challenges for itself?
It is a new level of daydreaming I never could imagine - being here but allowing my mind to see clearly and hold straight without any black holes appearing to escape the unknown parts, such as those we create when we try to hold the thought of space being endless in our minds.

You would think putting things in boxes with labels would relax me,
however moving does not put me at rest, though it pleases me.
this time i am in nomans land when it comes to a steady port,
but being nowhere is better than staying in the same place.
Because nowhere is still somewhere new.
I am not empty, only when i put my identity equal to my room, but i am slowly peeling my soul off the walls, and insisting on being cold but hopefull.
I cannot help but think of all the people who have spent time in this room, and wonder how much of them are coming with me - these people including myself live in memories stirred by this room and house, this constant place of being, returning. But then my life has taught me more times than most lives to move, to not attatch to things you cannot carry,
Places i will not marry.